Our fake little world
by KayH
Summary: Abby-centric fic. Abby sees her life and relationships through the eyes of her eleven year old daughter as she reads her diary.
1. Default Chapter

Ok, this is the second story that I'm posting, it's on a completely different track to the first and I have no idea how it's going to go or where. (Well I have a little idea, but it's all a bit up in the air at the moment, I just wanted to see how it was received.)

I'm sure it's been done before but hopefully not in the same way but I guess you'll let me know if you've written it already!

**The basic idea is…**

Abby's still with Richard, they have a daughter, Holly, who can either be the kid she aborted or another one, it's up to you…but she's eleven.

Abby finds her daughters diary and discovers she knows about a few things Abby thought she'd kept pretty well hidden.

* * *

Abby walked along the hallway and past Holly's bedroom door, it was wide open, Holly was due back later this afternoon, she'd been to an overnight campout in Jake's back yard, they'd decided that they wanted to do it yesterday afternoon and Holly had phoned from Emma's house sounding quite excited about the whole thing, so Abby had agreed. She laughed slightly as she thought about it, Holly was a funny kid, she was great, and she held Abby's heart completely, but she was her fathers daughter, she was a Daddy's girl, a part of her was happy that her daughter was so committed to her father but at the same time she felt like she was pushed to the boundaries slightly. She and Holly were getting more distant, she didn't want it to happen but it definitely was, maybe Holly was beginning to see through her. They never really spoke any more, she'd been pretty angry for the last couple of months, and Holly got the brunt of that a lot of the time.

Things with Richard were at rock bottom, they'd been heading down hill for longer than she cared to remember but they were definitely worse than they'd ever been before. She knew he was sleeping with someone else, which at the moment was fine; she had absolutely no desire to have him anywhere near her. She'd never thought that she'd be able to put up with a cheating husband but at the moment, for Holly's sake it was fine, just as long as they kept the pretence up for Holly it would be fine. There had been a lot of shouting going on recently, and a hell of a lot of forced arguments but she'd started trying to change that so that Holly wouldn't cotton on to it, she could live like this, with this because the other option was to walk away from her daughter and that, she wasn't prepared to do.

She sat on her daughter's bed and looked around, pulling the teddy that Holly had had since she was three off her pillow, hugging it to her chest as she looked around the room. Holly was definitely disorganized, there were hundreds of pieces of paper and photos and tokens and ticket stubs and post-its stuck to the notice board above her desk, and blue tacked haphazardly to the walls, her desk had piles of paper and pens scattered all over it and an array of dirty clothes were heaped on the floor, the number of times she'd asked her to tidy this stuff up. She smiled and shook her head slightly, it was hard to make Holly do things she didn't want to, but it was probably about time to let it lie, she could be messy if she wanted to be, she was a great kid, an exceptionally clever kid, if she wanted to be messy then she could be. The trait was one of many contradictions she could see in Holly, she had the most organized mind of any eleven year old Abby had ever come across and the most disorganized manner, if you looked at Holly's appearance or spoke to her even, you'd just assume she was tidy, organized, methodical because that's she way she looked, the way she thought, but there was no doubt that she lived in her own little world of squalor.

She pulled a photo off the wall next to the bed, it was of Holly and her best friend Emma, Abby had gotten to know Emma pretty well over the last four years along with Holly's other best friend Jake, it seemed like the three of them lived in each others pockets. She knew a lot more about Emma than she did Jake, but Holly was exceptionally close with both of them, Emma was the smiliest kid Abby had ever met, she had very red hair and freckles all over her face and was grinning, pulling a stupid face in the picture, apparently Emma was the class clown, Holly's cheek was pressed against Emma's as she beamed at the camera, her eyes twinkling happily, she had Abby's eyes, the same shape, slightly lighter maybe but they were definitely her mother's, Holly's skin was slightly tanned and she had a light smattering of freckles over the bridge of her nose and across the top of her cheeks, clumps of chestnut hair were falling around her face, she had big dimples in her cheeks as she grinned at the camera, she was beautiful Abby thought.

Abby stood up surveying Holly's domain one last time, Susan was coming for coffee soon, she should probably get her act together before she arrived, she went to put Alfie back on Holly's pillow knocking it as she did, she reached under the pillow pulling out a thick black hardback book, she frowned slightly as she looked at it, she knew about pretty much everything Holly owned, most of it was left lying around the house most of the time, but she'd never seen this before. She flipped it over in her hands and opened it, reading the first lines.

_I decided to start a diary; it's not really anything that speical but just some stuff I thought that maybe if I wrote down might be easier to work out, that's all. _

Abby smiled slightly at her daughters words, they were astonishingly wise and innocent at the same time, her eleven year old downplayed everything, she never really got dramatic about things, she felt sad about the fact Holly thought that it wasn't really all that special, but she smiled at it at the same time, she was so simple and yet unbelievably complex, her entire being was a contrast, maybe it was indicative of something else, but she hadn't seen anything to suggest it in Holly yet, she was far too reasonable.

She sat back down on the bed as she flipped to the next page, which had been stuck in haphazardly, and Holly's neat scrawl had her hooked.

_My name is Holly Lockhart, and I'm eleven almost twelve, I'm not entirely sure why I'm telling you this because I know who I am, but I think that there are a few people who don't. People who I think should know who I am that don't, actually really just two. If you look at my life, and my family you wouldn't know it I don't think, and I've been doing that for a long time, looking at them, at the three of us, and for a long time I thought that it was just the way families worked, I thought that everyone lived the way we do, but actually now I know they don't. The three of us live in a completely different way to pretty much everyone else I've seen. _

_We live in a really nice house in the suburbs, both of my parents are Doctors; if you look at my family, me and my Mom and my Dad then I think probably that most people would say that we were really lucky, or that I was at least; both of my parents are hard working professionals, and as far as I can tell they both like there jobs. Whenever there are people in our house, or when all three of us are at the same place at the same time then I think that from the outside we all pull off the whole happy family unit thing pretty well; but that's not how it really is. There are a lot of people who live in houses like ours, and on the surface live lives like ours, but I don't think that they live the way we really do. _

_ For a while I was a pretty average junior high student, now though I'm an above average student, not that it makes much of a difference, I'm captain of the under 12's swim team, I'm vice captain of the debate team and the soccer team, I'm on the math team and I'm in the starting line up of the softball team. In my last report card I got straight A's pretty much apart from History._

_ Neither of my parents have been to any sports meets or games this year and neither have been to any debate or Math tournaments, I've never told them about any of it and they've never asked. They haven't been to any parent-teacher meetings and I've written letters from them for every single one this year, no one's ever questioned it and I don't think they ever would. _

_The reason I'm writing all of this now is because I'm giving up, not any of the stuff I do or anything like that, but I'm giving up on writing this. I started this journal at the beginning of the school year, and it's now reaching the end, so that's almost nine months of writing this. When I started this journal I thought that writing down the way everything worked, and how everything was going would make it easier to understand, but now I think that it was pretty stupid because writing it down doesn't change any of it, it doesn't change the way we live and it doesn't change the fact that all three of us hate our lives but just don't tell each other. _

_My Dad is having an affair and has been for a while, my Mom knows about it and has chosen either not to acknowledge it or just ignore it, I'm not sure which, and my Dad has become an expert in being two people, the Dad he is when my Mom's there and the Dad he is when she's not. I've met the woman he's having an affair with a couple of times now, my Mom thinks that I have no idea about any of this and my Dad thinks that it's fine to take me with him when he goes to meet her and then pretend that she's just his 'friend' and tell me to lie to Mom about where we've been and what we've done. Both of my parents' quite clearly think that I'm an unobservant idiot, and in all fairness I feel the same way about them. _

_For almost a year now my Mom has been working almost solidly to get away from the house and for almost a year I've felt like I've lost my Mom, and my Dad's enjoyed that because he sees it as getting me on side, he's helped it happen and I feel like he wants it to and she lets it, and I think probably I let it as well. It's easier that way maybe, I don't want it to be that way, in fact that's what I want least but it takes the least energy and I think that maybe it's what she wants, it's maybe what would make her happy if she knew that she could leave and that I'd be ok, I wouldn't be but if she thought I would be then maybe she'd be ok, and she could be happy. _

_ The time I spend alone with my Mom used to be the best time I had, now though it scares me because I don't know what to say or do around her and I don't think she knows what to say or do around me. I don't know, but I don't think that other people feel that way about their mothers, where every time you see them you want to cry because you know that they're there somewhere but you cant find them. _

_All of this is the reason I'm going to stop doing this now; I don't want to do it anymore. I want to sink into the background and not be involved in any of it anymore. _

_My Mom thinks I'm a Daddy's girl and my Dad thinks I don't really exist so I'm going to stop. At home at least. I don't want to be involved with them anymore than they do with me so I'm going to try to become invisible, until one of them blows the top off this stupid fake life that we all live, until then I'm going to disappear. _

_The truth is that we all live in our own little worlds where no one talks to anyone else my parents never talk to each other unless it's to piss each other off or yell at each other, and they don't talk to me unless I've done something wrong, which I spend my life trying not to do so they don't really talk to me at all now, or my Mom doesn't really, unless she's yelling about my room or the laundry. And my Dad talks to me, and is stupidly over 'Dadish' with me when Mom's there, if she's not he doesn't open his mouth. Neither of my parents ever as far as I've seen or heard have ever told each other anything about how they actually feel and I certainly haven't told either of them about what I think, or do most of the time and I don't want to._

_Two days ago I had a dream where I was trapped in a box, I've had the same dream loads of times now, but last night was the first time I tried shouting, it goes like this. It's completely black, when I turn around it's completely light, I can hear my Mom yelling my name from the black end and my Dad yelling from the bright end, I'm trying to get out of the dark end but I can't, I never can, I try getting out of the light end, where I can see my Dad and it's easy to get out, but every time I get closer to him he walks away, just out of my reach and laughs at me, then when I turn around to get to my Mom again I can't get there, I can hear her voice but I can't see her. Last night I woke up just after I started yelling for her and she was standing in my doorway, she asked if I was ok and left. _

_That's why I'm stopping this journal, I don't want to carry on dreaming that dream, it's not like I know what it means or anything but I think I can make a pretty good guess. I don't want to have it anymore and so by stopping this diary and stopping thinking about it I think that it might stop. I've had enough now. _

_Holly_

_July 11th 2004_

__

Abby's eyes traced Holly's words over and over again as she stayed stuck on the second page.

_'I don't think that other people feel that way about their mothers, where every time you see them you want to cry because you know that they're there somewhere but you cant find them.'_

Abby felt the unfamiliar lump form and stick in her throat, she took a deep breath and swallowed hard, trying to remove it. She frowned involuntarily as her hand wavered around the words and her chest felt suddenly heavy. She swallowed again, scanning the same passage, her eyes becoming fuzzy, her jaw tightening as she did.

_'they're there somewhere but you cant find them.'_

If you have the time give me a shout.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you so much for all the reviews, they are incredibly appreciated and very unexpected so cheers! I was expecting like two so I was thrilled when I found eight!

So here's the second chapter. I may not be writing this in a very eleven year old way because I have almost ten years on an eleven year old and can't remember how I used to think as one even remotely, and don't know any eleven year olds as far as I can recall (although in reality my grammar probably isn't much above an eleven year olds standards, in all fairness it's probably worse than the average eleven year old!) so I don't have all that much to base it on but let me know if it's completely unbelievable from an eleven year old perspective or if you can buy it if I say that she's really perceptive and very intelligent! (which is part of my challenge for myself.) cheers Kay xxx

Abby gathered herself together slightly before flipping onto the next page. Reading someone's diary was always perceived as such an invasion of their privacy and it was, it is, but now she couldn't not. This was her daughter; she'd always just assumed that Holly was fine, that if she could keep up the pretence of getting on with things that Holly would never see through it, that she'd never even think that anything was different to the way it was presented.

She'd been naive in that assumption though, Holly obviously could see through it, she could see through all of it, she'd obviously heard things that Abby had assumed she hadn't, she knew things Abby had assumed she didn't and she knew what Abby had tried so hard to stop her seeing, their life was a sham.

She rubbed the palms of her hands hard over her eyes before she looked back to the page.

Holly Louise Lockhart, her little girl, the baby she thought would set everything back on track, the baby who was supposed to fix her marriage, the baby who may well have been destroyed by her marriage. September 4th, Jesus this had started almost ten months ago.

_Holly Louise Lockhart_

**_Fall 2003_**

_September 4th_

_SCHOOL_

_We started back to school today, which is awesome, no more days at home trying not to get yelled at, everyone was talking about their vacations, Kate went to the Seychelles with her Mom, and then to Europe with her Dad, she didn't seem all that excited about either though, Emma and her brothers and her parents went to Florida, which sounded kind of cool as well, Jake went with his Mom to visit his brother who lives in Hawaii, he said he learned to surf, which I'm not sure is true. We stayed here for most of the time but I did go and stay with Granny for a couple of days in Minnesota, which was really fun! Mom and Dad both worked all summer, but it seemed like they worked harder at avoiding each other. It was kind of good in a way because there was always one of Emma, Kate or Jake around, their vacations were pretty convenient for me because there were only three days over the whole time when no one was around, I spent most of the time at Emma or Jake's houses, they came to ours as well, I'm pretty good at Nintendo now. _

_No one seems to want the term to start again, but it doesn't bother me that much, I kind of like it, home was getting pretty boring. Having said that though we had to sit and listen while everyone gave a presentation on their summer, naturally I made something up that sounded just about plausible, Emma, Kate and Jake all laughed the whole way through mine though because they knew that it was all rubbish, which made me laugh as well, so I think I might have failed in my effort to be convincing, especially when the teacher said she'd like to see photos and I told her that sadly our camera had been crushed by a heard of stampeding Elephants while we were on Safari, I think it was around about then that she cottoned on to the fact I was talking rubbish, especially since Jake cracked up completely at that point. _

_Miss Miller told me that I was in the swim team again this year, but that I still had to try out, I'm trying to figure out what other stuff I want to do, last year I did all sports, this year I'm going to try some academic stuff as well, see if anyone says anything about it. _

_MOM AND DAD_

_I was going to say that they still don't seem to be talking to each other, but I actually don't think that they ever really do, Mom's been working nights for ever, she goes to work when Dad gets home, and comes back about thirty seconds before he leaves again. I really don't get it, they both seem miserable, I don't think they should stay together, I recon that they're doing it for me, but I think that we'd all be better off if they split up. It's not my decision though I guess, and I'm not about to tell them that that's what I think. _

_DAD AND ME_

_He yelled at me for not eating all the peas on my plate at dinner and said that I shouldn't have taken them if I didn't want them. I didn't put the stupid peas on my plate Mom did, and I don't like them anyway, I don't think that either of them know that though. I didn't say anything, I just tried to eat the gross peas and then Mom took the plate away from me saying that it was more painful watching me make a big deal out of it than having a fight over it so she threw them away which made Dad get on his high horse about waste and stuff which led to 'words' as Mom calls them (It's the code for when they fight in front of me but it doesn't involve yelling), it would have been better for me to just finish the stupid peas and get the hell away from the table. He made some halfhearted attempt to ask me about school, but he obviously wasn't listening to anything I was saying because I said something about flying to the moon and he just said 'good stuff Hol.' And went to the den. I think I might start trying to see how much ridiculous stuff I can say before he realizes in future. I don't think that Mom knows that he goes out, he does it every night at around ten and comes back at like midnight, I don't mind being left on my own at all, but there were some pretty creepy noises last night and I couldn't sleep until he got home, I'm not supposed to know that he does it, but I do. _

_MOM AND ME _

_She dropped me at school this morning before going to work which was a nice touch, I can't remember the last time she did it, from tomorrow though I'm going with Emma again, it's actually more fun going with Mom than Emma's Mom, who's very nice and all but insists on listening to classical music the whole way which sucks, at least Mom lets me choose the station, and unlike with Dad I'm allowed to finish my breakfast in the car. She was really weird this morning, I don't really know her all that well but I think my Mom is actually pretty cool, she knew all the words to all the songs that came on the radio this morning, they were all kind of old-school but she was tapping the tunes out on the steering wheel and humming and stuff, maybe she's always like that when she's not around Dad. I might start stalking her to find out! Hehe. _

_September 17th_

_SCHOOL_

_We had the first swim meet yesterday, our team rocks this year, we beat Lakeshore junior high by a mile, which was awesome, I'm the captain of the under 12's this year and I got to pick up the trophy. Mom and Dad didn't come, which I knew they wouldn't because I didn't tell them about it, even if I had I'm not sure that either of them would have turned up, it's easier not to know either way. I made it on to the baseball and soccer teams as well and I got onto Math and debate too, Emma keeps teasing me about being a geek now but she's on some funny science elite team thing, which to me sounds far geekier. This one kid on the Math team told me he thought I was weird, which is fine because he's no mainstream individual himself. (Massive dork with elephant ears, at least I have friends buddy, I was trying to be nice to him as well!) _

_We went on an Art trip today to the metropolitan, we had to go on the El which was kinda funny because me and Emma and Jake managed not to get on the train and got left behind with Mr. Wall yelling stuff through the glass at us when the train pulled away. All we did was laugh and get on the next train. I don't get why they think we wouldn't be able to do that, we might be eleven but we're not complete idiots. And now I'm glad that we did miss it, because while we were waiting I saw Mom and Dr Kovac on the opposite platform. We all hid so she didn't see us but she was laughing and stuff and so was he, I know she can be funny sometimes, if she wants to she can crack me up in an instant. I think that my stalking plan might not be all that bad of an idea now, she never looks like that at home. She looked really pretty, Emma said it first, and she was right, she also said that her eldest brother thinks she's hot which is kind of weird and I think maybe a bit gross because he's Twenty three and she's my Mom. It's nice to know that she does sometimes have fun though and she can actually still smile, maybe it's better that she spends so much time at work with people she likes instead of at home with people she doesn't, Emma asked me if she was having an affair, maybe she is, I don't think so though, I think Dad definitely is, maybe she should too._

_All the extra stuff I do at school is working out pretty well, they're all on different week nights which means that I get to stay until five most afternoons and then I can walk home which should take like a half hour but I'm getting pretty good at making it last for an hour so I get back at six which means that I only have to be at home for twenty minutes with both of them there, which reduces the chance of getting yelled at or hearing them yell at each other, today though baseball was canceled, you win some you loose some I guess._

_MOM AND DAD_

_Given that I was home early tonight I got to hear more of the battle than usual, I got in and they were in different parts of the house which I guess everyone has to be at some point so that wasn't exactly abnormal, I just went straight upstairs, Mom came in to my room to tidy a bit before going to work and then she went down stairs. They don't seem to yell much at each other any more, a while ago they did a lot, and I mean a lot, I'm not sure they knew I could hear them but, if you yell 'keep your voice down' at the top of your voice what the hell's the point? Me and Emma started a swear book when they were yelling at each other all the time, I would write down all the ones they yelled at each other and she asked her oldest brother, Jake said he'd ask his brother too, Emma said that we need to learn all the best ones (Kate told us we were immature!), we had a pretty good collection going until one of the history teachers found it and confiscated it, she sent us all home with letters, Emma got grounded for a week and Jake got a huge lecture, but I never gave mine to Mom or Dad, we all had detention for a week; Emma and Jake's Moms' were really mad at them, I guess it's a good thing that mine never knew considering how angry she gets about my room being messy or me not putting my swim kit in the laundry room this I think she would have really skitzed over, and no one even noticed that I was home late all week so it worked out ok. But no, anyway, they don't seem to yell anymore, now they only talk to each other when they really have to, otherwise they just don't talk at all, it's worse somehow I think.  _

_Dad spent most of the night sitting on the couch dinking beer until his traditional ten o'clock exit. He's definitely cheating on my Mom, why can't they just split up already?                  _

_DAD AND ME_

_ Dad was in the kitchen and didn't even say 'hi' when I got home which even he usually manages, but never mind. I fixed us dinner and he was kind of nice about it, in that he told me it was better than whatever Mom would have made us. (it was definitely better than whatever he would have made us.) This is the part of all this that I really don't like when he says stuff about Mom that I'm obviously supposed to agree with because they just had a fight, and he laughs and makes fun of her and then teases me because I don't like joining in, Mom never does that, she never talks to me at all really but when she does she doesn't say mean things to me about Dad. I hate sitting at the table with him being mean about my Mom, it makes him look like a real jerk, especially when he's the one that usually picks the fights and she's the one who usually walks away, and tonight they didn't even have a fight, which just makes it look like he wants me to analyze everything he doesn't like about her with him, I excused myself and walked away, and he told me that if I wasn't careful I'd grow up to be just like her.  I don't know if he thinks I'm on his side in all this, I hope he doesn't, because I'm not, I don't want to be, I don't really want to be on anyone's side but if I had to pick I'd choose Mom I think. (Even though I'm not really that big of a fan of hers at the moment either – here's why…) _

_MOM AND ME_

_ Mom accosted me before I even put my school bag down when I got to my room and said that my room was, and I quote a 'pigsty', which seems like the dumbest phrase ever, but I didn't say anything, I just looked around I still don't think it's that bad, she launched into a lecture about the fact I was old enough to look after my own stuff now, which is exactly what I do, which is why my room is like it is because this is how I look after stuff. I think I said sorry but I'm not sure because I stood in the middle of the room while she began to pick stuff up off the floor and just pile it all. I hate that she just takes it over and starts just dumping all the stuff on the desk and the bed, it's like she's destroying the only little bit of normality left in this stupid fake house and it made me want to cry when she picked up the poster I was making for mine and Emma's science presentation on Wednesday and the whole thing fell apart because it wasn't glued yet, she said sorry and she sounded like she was but then she just started saying that it shouldn't have been on the floor in the first place and that I was slovenly, she wasn't saying it to be mean I don't think, she was saying it because she thinks it's true. I love my Mom, I really do, and I want her to be happy and I know she's not but I don't like that every time I'm around her at the moment she makes me want to cry and not deliberately even, but she's so miserable all the time that you can't do anything around her, even just stand still and quiet without it being the wrong thing to do; and I don't like the idea that she has to be miserable, that's the part that makes me want to cry most, not for me really but because I don't think that there's anything I can do about it to make her less miserable. I won't cry, at least not when she or Dad are there but my throat hurt today while she was tidying and just talking at me and I had to concentrated so hard on not letting myself cry that I didn't listen to her and so she sighed and walked away, just like she does with Dad and I couldn't look at her. _

_I wanted to tell her that I saw her today at the station, that I thought she looked happy but I didn't, I shouldn't have been there really, but when she was laughing with Dr Kovac it made me want to laugh too, but now; at home, it's back to the way it always is, and it makes me want to cry. I want to try to spend as little time at home as possible at the moment, which I know isn't the way I should feel and I'm sure if she knew that then she'd be mad about it, I want her to be the way she was on the station all the time but I want her to want to be like that and I don't think she ever will.  _

_She left without saying goodbye to me, which actually usually she doesn't do, normally when she goes she comes up and says goodnight and tells me who's taking who to school tomorrow, but tonight she didn't. I should maybe go back to my false cheery thing I had going, when I actually smiled and nodded rather than just nodded._

_Things are definitely getting worse._

Abby finished reading and took a deep breath, this was all news to her, she'd had no idea. How had she had no idea? How had she been so oblivious to all of this? What Holly was writing gave Abby an insight into Holly's perception, into Holly's world in a way she'd never had before. How many kids actively avoided telling their parents about the things that they knew would make them proud? It seemed like Holly was right, on the outside they put out this perfect little image of family unity, but if you even began to scratch below the surface then there were so many cracks and breaks in the relationships they all presented that you couldn't even begin to see how to start to smooth them over.

It was weird; it wasn't Holly's words that intrigued her as such, they were teaching her a thing or two but it wasn't them that made her frown as she flipped back a couple of pages. She had it all ordered, all categorized, School, Abby and Richard, Richard and her, and Abby and her. Abby could almost see why, by organizing all of this, by organizing and reasoning with the way in which they worked she could see how it would make it easier for Holly to understand.

She'd been through this with Maggie before, she remembered things from being a kid that Maggie had no recollection of, and as it was Abby couldn't remember walking away from Holly, she couldn't remember destroying her science poster, she obviously had though, and it was the things that made Holly feel so horrible that she didn't even realize affected her that Holly would remember, they were what she remembered from her childhood and undoubtedly they were what Holly would remember as well.

Abby took a breath as she flipped onto the next page, October 2nd, She couldn't stop anymore, she needed to know.

There we go, if you have the time give me a shout.


End file.
